Year of No “Fear”

Cheers to my annual blog post! (Seriously I need to start getting better at posting here)

2016 was a roller coaster of emotions. I moved out from my family home with my boyfriend, bought my first home, and probably gave myself far too much time for personal reflections. It was apparent to me that I needed to be a little more selfish and to start taking care of myself. I realized that life is far too short and that I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone. Do things that will help me grow as a person. And to be honest, just do things that will make me happy. I’ve spent far too much time living for other people in fear of what they may think of me.

I realized that for the past 25 years I’ve been living in a bubble of “perfection”. I’ve never really been one to show my hand and have become comfortable—maybe a little too comfortable—hiding behind a veil, even to my closest family members and friends. I never like burdening people with my problems because I often feel guilty for putting others in an uncomfortable position. Suppressing my deepest thoughts and emotions has become as easy as breathing for me, which will always lead to a breaking point eventually. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns within my small window of time on Earth. Just know that even though someone’s life seems perfect, it is rarely ever the case. I kept it too much together on the surface, while on the inside I was unraveling. It’s okay not to be okay. We should really stop pretending like everything is fine because it only hurts ourselves in the end.

I need to stop worrying about keeping it together all of the time because life isn’t perfect. It can’t be calculated. It always throws curveballs at you and you just need to take the hit and learn from it. I’ve wasted far too much time playing the pity card in my mind. Yes, I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal struggles, but the longer you sit back the more life flashes before your eyes into oblivion. I mean, for Pete’s sake, didn’t this year just start and somehow we’re already at the end of February?! How did that even happen?

I need to learn to start appreciating the little things in life. The smiles and laughter of my loved ones. The rich taste of my favourite dark chocolate. Being able to walk outside and know that I’m safe. The smell of my clean laundry (seriously Bounce Bursts just got introduced into my life and I don’t know why it took so long). I also need to take the time to see if certain things are really worth stressing over. How much does this moment mean in the grand scheme of things? Are things really worth the worry and headache that you make them out to be?

Last year felt like a year of self-discovery. A stepping stone into trying to visualize and understand what I want out of life. I don’t want to be at the end of my life regretting not taking more chances. I need to start doing things that will make me feel more fulfilled. There were definitely some dark moments last year where I just felt completely numb, and frankly lost. I thought to myself, “Is this what I’ve been building up my life for? Is this what I truly want to do for my whole life?” I just felt stuck. Honestly, I still feel stuck. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what my purpose in life is. I just need to learn how to take a breather and live in the moment, instead of constantly dreaming for the weekend.

One of the things I wanted to start doing to help me break into my own is to start a YouTube channel. I wanted to be able to share a side of me that only the closest people in my life have seen. I’ve been shy my whole life and have made it a habit to just hide and not be seen. But, where’s the fun in that? How do you expect to build meaningful relationships if you can’t share the best part of you? (Hint: the best part of any human is just being theirself)

On that note, just remember it’s never too late to start again. Life may be short, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make the most out of it.