A Girl’s Self Worth

I’m just going to preface this with an apology. The ideas and thoughts I’m going to be disccusing are most likely going to come off very rambly, incoherent and all over the place, but I just feel like I really need to get this off my chest. Let’s just say this is my diary entry, but instead of it being contained in a notebook for my eyes only, I’m sharing my inner-most personal thoughts to anyone who’s ever felt the same way I do. But enough procrastinating, let’s just get to it shall we?

For the majority of my life I don’t think I can ever really remember a time where I didn’t compare myself to other people, but specifically other females. And over this past year, (actually I think I’ve known this for quite some time, but just kind of shoved those feelings to the side because I didn’t want to have to deal with it), I fully came to the realization that if I don’t learn to stop comparing myself to other women I will never be able to accept myself for who I am. I will never be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I will never be able to realize what I’m truly capable of. I will never be able to grow as an individual because I’ll be jumping from one ideal of myself to another. I will never be able to love myself. I will never be able to find my true purpose or meaning in life. Basically, if I don’t stop comparing myself to other women I won’t be able to spend what little of my time on Earth as my truest self. And to be honest, that thought is quite terrifying to me. I am the only one in charge of my destiny at the end of the day so if I don’t find the courage to be me then who will?

I need to stop trying to act how I believe society wants me to act or how even the people closest around me perceive me to be. It’s just so destructive to one’s character and mind. Personally, it’s made me incapable of forming my own thoughts and opinions on a given topic or I even find it difficult to make the most simple everyday decisions because I’m so preoccupied and in my head worrying about what other people may think, or okay this person is doing this should I be doing this too?

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but women really need to stop judging and pitting other women against each other. Maybe if we spent less time judging one another we could all just be happy and at ease with ourselves because we’re not worried about being scrutinized for every action we make. Everyone knows how small you can possibly feel when someone looks you up and down and gives you THAT look, that look like they think they know everything about you and what you stand for just by your physical appearance.

I’m not going to pretend like I’m above judging other women because I’ll be the first person to tell you that I’m very guilty of this. I think so many distasteful things in my head and then two seconds later after mulling it over, I think why did I just think that? We only really judge others over jealousy and to make ourselves feel better about something we’re insecure about. We need to stop making comparisons because it belittles our own achievements and what we bring to this world.

I think the majority of women as a whole suffer from these same thoughts, but we never vocally share it because we don’t want to be viewed as being a complainer, weak, “crazy”, or any negative term you can possibly think of.

Women need to stop tearing each other down. We need to stop judging each other on how we look, how we act, how we talk, how we raise our children, and just frankly who we choose to be! We shouldn’t have to explain ourselves to anyone. Everyone is human at the end of the day. We all suffer through the same problems, so why are we fighting and making excuses when we could be helping each other? It’s such a waste of time and energy! Let other women inspire you and open your mind to new things. We should be celebrating our differences because lets face it it makes everything a little bit more interesting don’t you think?

And honestly, it’s not only ourselves we have to worry about. It’s men who think it’s okay to judge us on our appearances, our intellect, our personalities, and our aspirations in life. Their judgements shape what we think people want us to be. No wonder why so many women seem pigeonholed on what their purpose is. It’s for this reason that so many women find their meaning later in life. We’re so worried about pleasing everyone, that we never take the time to reflect and think “Am I actually pleasing myself? Is this for me?”

Everyone needs to stop living in their own shadow and needs to find their confidence. I know it’s going to be a tough journey for me because I’m a super introverted and insecure individual who ties my self worth in pleasing others. I am constantly being bombarded by the thought that I don’t want to be a spectator in my own life, I want to be living in it. I need to learn how to be my own boss and to stop questioning my every move because the world needs strong women especially in these challenging times. We should be allowed to be in charge of our life and to have control, without being described as cold, a biatch, manipulative or bossy. There’s only one you in this world, that should be your greatest weapon. Stop doubting your self worth! Know that any emotion or thought you’re feeling is valid. Stop clouding your goals with fear of what other people may think because before you know it, it will be too late.

I don’t really know what kind of verbal diarrhea I spewed out to the universe, but I know I just had to get these thoughts out of my head for my own sanity and to just get a dialogue going. It’s sad to think that so many people, myself included, suffer so much from caging their emotions and thoughts even to the closest people in their life just because they don’t want to burden others with their problems or to feel weak. But maybe we wouldn’t feel so guilty if people were more accepting and just openly had conversations with one another without the overwhelming fear of feeling judged.

All I know is I’m just a girl trying to find myself and trying to understand what life is all about and what life has to offer. I am the only who can dictate what my story is going to be, so I need to just pick up the pen and go.